STYLESPIRATIONS

Hush

Sorry I disappeared for more than a month!  After updating about my hectic life so far, it seemed to get even busier when the end of the semester approached.  Suddenly, everything seemed to be due all at the same time, as well as finals were starting to make me a bit nervous.  With Dark Aim performances here and different cultural shows to attend there, all of my free time seemed to be spent with the oppa or my parents lately.  I’ve been a bit more quiet and distant, I’ve realized.

Tank, Maxi skirt - F21, Necklace - Charlotte Russe, Flats - H&M

I haven’t felt like myself ever since school ended.  I still had so much fatigue and my spirit was still down.  I barely attended youth group or was I good with email replies or anything anymore.  I felt distant and a bit…blank.  I finished my last week at work and it was one of the hardest things for me to do, was to hug Jimmy and leave my favorite corner at Cudahy Library.  I honestly don’t know where I’m going with my life right now, in short-term and long-term decisions and roads.  Based on who I am and my controlling characteristic, this fact scares me to death.  I don’t have a job, I’m not sure if I need to take summer classes although it’s about three weeks into summer, and I don’t know what’s coming next fall.  Everything was so overwhelming and I felt silenced and distant.

I didn’t want to worry anyone with my personal confusion with my life, and no one else can help me with that decision either.  It’s something that I need to figure out myself.  With nothing set in my way, I’ve been very confused, empty, and anxious.  Last week, I started to accept that things tend to work out in the long run and I will just go where life takes me.  I don’t really have much backup plans, but I know that eventually, I will find a path fitting for me and my life will take off.  Now I’m in no rush.  Although this fact is still slightly unsettling, I feel like I’ve done my best and now I just have to sit back and wait to see what’s going to work for me.  It’s slightly relieving and I’ve been feeling a bit better.

I’m a bit sad that I can see my optimistic views slowly dwindle away, I realized that I’m being more mature and realistic with my life decisions and views.  Something will happen, and I’m going to stop worrying my little head and just continue to enjoy my youth.

With everything that’s been going on internally, I think this outfit helps describe how I feel.  I’m not very excited nor determined to do anything right now.  I just want to blend in and gracefully flow where life blows me and strangely, I’m okay with this thought.  I’ve been feeling light, not happy, but just contented with everything.  A huge chunk of my life chapter just came to an end, and although I’ve started writing my rough draft, a greater power will come in and start the first sentence of my new chapter for me to continue in my own writing.  Til then, I’ll rest my pen and kick back and enjoy good, chill company and yummy food.

Ai Nhu

PS I’m obsessed with this shoot.  Kelly and I had so much fun climbing around trees for these!

Birthday Princess

H&M dress from Chong, Juicy bracelet from Ha, Rings and cuff from F21, stripe F21 top from Kelly, Jewelmint Astoria necklace

My immature self is 20 years old! WHEEE! That is crazy that I am two decades old. Who would believe that?!  From being extremely emotional and depressed in March, my birthday week has been a pleasant surprise and celebration, welcoming new love and joy.

The weekend before my birthday, I went to see Gym Class Heroes with granddaddy at school.  It was pretty fun and despite being sick, I was able to enjoy myself.  After, we had an interesting Chi Cafe adventure to Chinatown with Gino and Josh, the most interesting and unusual duo you’ll ever meet.  I’ll never forget that midnight dinner. 

On Monday, I spent an interesting afternoon with the VASA kids, filming the promo with the help of Chong for our culture show coming up this Friday the 13th at Loyola’s Simpson MPR.  If you know me, you’ll understand my deep love for VASA, so enjoy this shameless promotion!

Tuesday, the day of my birthday, I spent most of my time studying for my electronics exam on Wednesday morning.  Granddaddy took me out to Sushi Para II as a break and I came home late at night to a bomb ass cake from my parents.  They’re seriously my biggest fans.

Following my birthday, I had a huge performance.  Three months ago, I joined a group called Dark Aim because they performed kpop choreography, something that I really enjoyed.  It was a grueling three months, but the girls, Pat, Lin, Van, and Mia, taught me so much about hard work, consistency, and friendship and I really appreciate the whole journey with them.  We performed on Wednesday at UIC with bruised knees, fatigue, and nervous hearts, and I have to say, it was one of the most exhausting but memorable performances of my life.  I can’t wait for the future with Dark Aim!  I’ve actually kept this performance as a secret because the choreography was a bit scandalous (LOL) and I was afraid of what my youth group might think.  However, my close friends did find out about it and showed with with full support.  I was really happy to see them, hear them cheer for us loudly, as well as celebrate my post-birthday with them at Joy Yee’s after.  As exhausting as it was, it was a great night out.

Thursday had to be one of the silliest days ever of the week.  Originally, Granddaddy told me to save him that day because he wanted to go out on a date. I already knew something was up because we’ve already celebrated my birthday together, so I knew he was planning something.  Being me, I hated surprises, so I somehow got it out of my godsister, Bao Thy, that he was planning a surprise party for me a while ago.  I played along and gave him time but it was adorable seeing him lie to me and reading his nervous texts.  He ended up gathering my close friends and VASA board at his house, bought yummy food and even a cake for me!  I talked to my friends later and found out that he’s been working on this surprise for a while, even contacting my friends that he didn’t know.  I was extremely touched by his hard work as well as my sweet friends who showed up and chilled with me.  I have a great support system, and I’m extremely thankful.

The week winded down Friday when I went to brunch with Marvin.  After, I made a huge splurge for my birthday present.  With a store credit receipt from a previous return and an Akira gift card courtesy of Thy in hand, I went to the Akira shoe store and splurged on a gorgeous pair of Dr. Martens.  I’ve been eyeing them forever and honestly, without the gift card, I would’ve never have bit the bullet.  I’m the most frugal person ever, but as soon as I saw them in person, I left the store within seven minutes with a bag in hand.  The quality is amazing and I know that I’ll wear these forever.

I’m so grateful for everyone in my life.  As I grow older, birthdays become a bit insignificant to me, but with all of the love showering me this week, I really appreciate it and I will never forget the week that I turned twenty.  It’s a lifesaver.  In my lowest moments recently, I haven’t consistently smiled in so long. This week, my jaw hurts from being so happy.  I’m also lucky to experience a new kind of love recently, and I’m so thankful every single day to have someone to hold me and share my lowest and happiest times.

Share the love,

Ai Nhu

Dr. Feel Good

I’ve been going through the worst emotions for the past month.  To be honest, I’ve been feeling so physically and emotionally unhealthy.  I went through a lot of conflicting emotions and had to make a lot of decisions by myself.  It was one of the toughest times I’ve ever had and it kills me, an optimistic and giddy person, to not be able to smile consistently.  Everything hurts and although I was so tired of being upset, I couldn’t find a way to feel better.  However, in my toughest time, I found a different source of happiness.  With a soft shoulder to cry on, I let it all out.  In front of my family and friends, I had to appear like I was okay.  I really dislike having people worry about me and I was scared that if I showed that I was weak and hurting, that it would hurt them also.  I bit my tongue and then just cried and complained once I was with that person.  I’ve never felt more vulnerable, yet at the same time relieved, as if I were dumping all of my troubles onto that person and temporarily releasing myself.  It was a different kind of happiness that I’ve never experienced before and I’m so thankful to have this person by my side during my toughest time.

Everything is calming down and as the school year is starting to come to an end, I thought about everything that was about to change in my life.  One of the things that was going to impact my life is letting go of VASA.  If you’re close to me or just follow my blog sometimes, you know how much this organization means to me.  When I joined during my freshman year, I was the treasurer and fell in love with it so much that I took up the presidency this year as a sophomore because I wanted to protect it.  After serving for a year, I was honestly not ready to give VASA up.  I felt like I was pregnant with my baby and now due to personal reasons, I have to give it up for adoption.  I’m not worried at all since I have a wonderful board next year, but it’s personal selfishness of wanting to continue with my mission that I want to hold on to it.  That has been one of the things that truly made me very disappointed and sad lately.

I’m going to stop complaining, but I would like to use the issue of me being down in the dumps lately to excuse my pathetic eyebags.  They are getting worse and worse everyday to the point where people start to identify me with them.  Although I want to be happy again, it does take a while physically and emotionally.  Life goes on though, and sometimes, it’s good to start over.  I just feel like I was just making my impact and starting my legacy, and now I’m preparing to leave everything behind and blend in and be no one again for a while.  It’ll be okay.  Everything tends to work out when you look back at it.  

Sorry for the depressing post, I’ll try next time :D

Ai Nhu